The Things No One Will Tell You.

1. No one will tell you that happiness is like a loan.

At first, you will get it in a lump sum but proceed to spend your life paying it back in installments of pain, confusion, indifference and hate.

2. No one will tell you that being loved is often harder than loving. 

You will question the sanity of those who attempt to colour you in with their affection. You will doubt their sincerity, their utter determination to turn you; a block of ice; cold and in solitude, into water; carefree and fluid. The thought of being loved, entirely as you are, will puzzle you and send you into a daze, a relentless coma that will sometimes only be cured by the phrase, ''I love you, too." These words will sting. Your tongue will attempt to repel them.

3. No one tells you that sometimes blood is not thicker than water.
No one tells you that the very same water comes in the form of friends and lovers who will fill the very same voids that the blood created as it gushed out of your body in the form of family betrayals and hurts. The lovers will kiss the places that are sore because of the graves dug by our mothers and fathers. The friends will bring the wine and the chocolates that will heal the cracks you acquired while trying to please your parents.

No one tells you these things.

Ramblings of a recovering mind pt 2

"I will post SOON", she said. She lied, clearly.

 

It is hard to write when you are doubting every one of your opinions. It is hard to write when you are trying to weed out what the world thinks and what you think.

 

We will continue with music later, I hope.

I just wanted to tell you about books.

Please can we read, please. Read anything and everything that makes it feel like tiny angels are dancing on your imagination.

Halfway into High school, I took a liking to African Literature. There are so many classics hidden on this 'dark' continent. Books that are possibly better than your current favourite books. I am slowly discovering this genre and slowly sifting through what is readable and what is not.

There is a certain pride in reading something that you find familiarity with. As a non-default - I am black woman who is far from thin and I have natural, kinky hair and I speak more than one language - it is rare to find a book that will have a character that sounds so similar to what you are and who goes through things that you do or that you will go through.

And I found this character in Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie' s Americanah. <sigh> I love that woman (Adichie, that is). When I grow up I want to be her. I want to write books that will make undecided girls like me want to write as well. In any case. I would ask you to read her books. All of them:

 

Purple Hibiscus

Half of a Yellow Sun

The Thing Around Your Neck

Americanah

She is my current favourite author. I would like to here from others about their favourites

 

I found more!

 

 

pictures

I think I have forgotten that at the beginning of this blog, I was the photographer and Nozie was the writer. Of course, I did mention that I would dabble in writing but I think I have gone overboard now.

 

so here:

 

 

 

 

 

That Bits and Pieces type love

You want me in sections, I don't like that. You gaze over my body like it's a buffet. You are not amazed by all the options and you aren't willing to try out new things, instead you arrive at the table having already chosen what you want. You want bits of me. You want to saw off pieces of my flesh. You only want what suits you. In fact, you only want what Society tells you is appropriate to take from me.

You want to cut open my personality and select what suits your palate. You don't like the fire in me...you have never had a thing for hot things. And so you kill the fire by watering it with ideas of how "i'm being emotional" or a "woman". Apparently, you missed my vagina or breasts while scouring over this here body and saw only sexual gratification and not the fact that I am indeed, a woman. My feminine ideals dont suit your palate. Femininity in its entirety gives you a premature vasectomy. I am sure you have noticed how your fellow customers refuse to indulge your opinion about how everything female is awful and bland? You don't like how I am not intimidated by your seemingly superior and macho characteristics. Bitter taste, aint it? You don't appreciate how I recognise my worth; it rubs your testosterone straight into "oestrogen filled, emotionville" doesn't it?

You don't get that I am an acquired taste and that those who understand and love my taste, celebrate me every chance they get. You are missing out on some 70% cocoa dark chocolate here, sugar. You are missing out on some age-old whisky here, honey. You are missing out on some grilled and gorgeous Queen Prawns here, boo boo.

You just want to love bits and pieces of me, and call it Fine Dining. That time, we are both aware that you don't even fully appreciate what you do select from the buffet table. You peck and frown at every little piece, hoping your judgement will motivate the food to meet your ideals. Would you like a glass of water to help you swallow that large Truth, sir? When you realise that the goods offered here do not need your validation would you like something stronger? Something strong on the rocks might just put your world back into its axis.

Next time you are hungry, don't delude yourself dear picky customer. This is not the buffet type restaurant (but we do offer that on sunday mornings for loyal customers). This is a restaurant built on good service and great wine and even better food. The menu is decided by the owner. Take it or leave it, dear. Changes are made when and how the owner pleases.

You see the people behind you, sir? Yes...them? They are waiting to come in. I would advise you to appreciate the restaurant for what it offers or you can make space for those who do.

This here personality is staying.

This here body is staying.

Both of them can and will be highly appreciated. We don't need your money here. The people who have acquired the taste of this place tip heavily :).

We don't need your I'll-take-this- large-meal-in-a-small type love. We don't need your Can-I-have-this-vanilla-ice-cream-without-the-chocolate-sauce type love. We don't need your Bits and Pieces type love.

Mr. Einstein

i look at you and i see irony
not in the sense of Fe

i look at you and i see a Cole world,
no Jermaine but you make my Power Trip
my lights switch
my mind flip
and like a coin,
bless your head
but where's your tail?
because to you i see no end

perhaps like an ocean meets the horizon
like the way crimson meets eyes
like the way this wine needs ice,
you and i go together

But

you are my irony
not like Fe
more like fuck me

no wait. i'm a lady
so i'll say, "hi"
(don't forget the gh)
because our pH
is perfect.

you are
my irony.

Ramblings of a recovering mind

Good evening.
Long time, hey? I am not sure if we have reached the stage where an apology will be widely received and welcomed so I will refrain from apologising for my disappearance. No…there must be at least one person who kept on checking relentlessly for a new post. Therefore, I apologise to you.
You know what happens? It is like having too much fun at an outing and forgetting to take pictures. Life was happening to me and I forgot to document it.
Sigh, where do I begin?
I just realised that penchant for being disrespectful towards English punctuation and grammar. Please bear with me, folks.
I often wonder if I will feel like this in my 40s; this constant feeling of the metamorphosis of my soul and mind. I feel like after every quarter of the year, my body aligns itself more and more towards the person I am aiming and meant to be. Not to say that it is a beautiful process; this growing stuff is the pits man. I think the compensation for some of us is that while we are going through this pain; our parents are still partly liable for our actions. Otherwise, there is no telling what mayhem I would have been inflicting on myself or the world in the past couple of months.
I feel I am waffling.
Music and words have been stitching my gory wounds. So I have taken it upon myself to widen the horizons of my consumption of The Arts.
Let’s start here: I haven’t taken photographs this year. I promise, more to myself than you, that this month will not end without having a truckload of pictures. I feel this photography thing would be easier if someone lovely were to buy me a camera. I’m just putting it out there, hey (._.’).
Music: so I have been listening to music that evokes emotion more than intellectual thought for some time now. I like listening to music that reminds me of the future and makes me fantasize about the past. I know we all have our different tastes, but may I recommend? Ha-ha, I just realised that this is MY HOUSE so; I will basically do what I want. Here are the recommendations that I am forcing upon you:
Listen to Erika Badu, people. If you enjoy our blog, there must be some part of you that will connect with Mama Badu. Listen to Next Lifetime; Orange Moon; Telephone; I Want You; Green Eyes; Out My Mind, Just In Time; Incense. Those are my current favourite’s en ce moment. You will find many more pretty ones, guaranteed.  Erykah Badu makes heartbreak desirable just so you can croon to her songs with the same curves and dips as she does.
Lianne La Havas – PEOPLE! She only has one album out (If you know her, make a plan and get her to release another one) and I am already prepared to starve for a few months to catch her live. She, like Erykah Badu, makes you want to know and understand her life story. Her album is ‘Is Your Love Big Enough’. Listen to ‘Lost and Found’ last. Other tracks that will have you: Gone; Everything Everything; No Room for Doubt; Elusive…Just listen to everything.
Listen to James Blake. I am still new here. His songs are like an emotion.  Sometimes I feel like describing my emotions with his songs. I love Retrograde; Lindersfarne; The Wilhelm Scream (Also check out the Kwabs cover of this track) and DLM.
The XX – their album sounds like one long song that changes slightly everyone now and then.  This is meant as a compliment. I love their use of pan-drums and bass. I also appreciate how well their voices complement each other. I have actually ended up loving all of their songs on the album ‘Co-exist’ but notable ones are Angels; Chained and Reunion.
I just realised how many more artists I have in mind.  I have not even started talking about books. I haven’t even started talking about South African artists who stir my organs. I will pause there for now. I can imagine that you can only read what I write in bite-sized pieces.
P.S Did I mention that all of the above tracks are highly recommended to be listened to with a bottle or two of wine? You don’t drink? Have coffee…your immune system is not ready to listen to this without some sort of beverage. Actually, you were never ready.
I will post SOON.
Khensani
(please suggest music to me as well...I will suggest more as time goes by)

Hello, everyone! :-)

(i say everyone because the stats say there's people in Russia, Germany, Canada, India, Indonesia and Sweden reading our blog. i can't express how mind-boggling that is.)

the purpose of this particular blog post is to offload, i think. not in a 'sad-let's-get-tissues' type of way but rather reflective. it's been a while since i've wanted to pen my entire thought processes down so here it goes :)

1. IT'S A NEW YEAR!
duh, hahaha. on a serious note, however, it really is a new year. 2013 at some point just didn't seem like it would end. then there were bits of it that flew past so darn quickly that i barely had enough time to internalize it. i remember january to around early april were perhaps the worst of 2013 for me. a lot was going on with me academically, mentally and health-wise.

academically, it dawned on me that i was in the wrong field. the course i was doing didn't make me happy but i refused to acknowledge this for the longest time because so many people were depending on me to make them proud. i'm sure a lot of you can relate to the pressure that comes with wanting to serve your parents well and ensure that their investment reaps rewards. unfortunately, the seeds weren't too fruitful so a drastic decision had to be made: change of school and course.

which led to the mental part. the transition wasn't at all easy. i had gotten so accustomed to the freedom i enjoyed away from my parents..and i don't mean the out of hand freedom but rather the mental liberation that comes with living on your own. if i was stressed, i could take a stroll at 00:00 at not be asked where i was going or what i needed a walk for. i also missed the friends who had quickly became family. most importantly, i missed learning. i think that was the first time i realized the power of education. of course i'd hated my course but i yearned deeply for the discussions, debates and enlightenment that happened constantly within the university.

naturally with all these emotions and mental conflicts going on, the body responds by shutting down in order to jostle you a bit. and this happened with me. ironically, i hadn't even noticed that i wasn't eating as much and subsequently losing weight FAST.

fortunately, i have an phenomenal mother. she, a few days before my birthday, realized that i was sinking far too deep within myself and decided to yank me out. and what better way than to get away from everything? her, my younger sister and i took a vacation to the beautiful city of Kasane, Botswana.

i can guarantee that the google images do NO justice to this place. i'd actually just like everyone to pencil a visit to Kasane in their bucket list. as atheist as i am, i'm pretty sure god resides there. when all the forces of beauty, peace and tranquility collide, it's called Kasane. i honestly can't say enough.

anyway, :), while there, we took a drive to Zambia where i bungee-jumped for the first time ever. GUYS! this too needs to get penciled into the bucket lists. i guarantee NOTHING ELSE will test your faith in life itself like bungee jumping does. i remember looking 111 meters below me at the greenish/blueish water and questioning my own sanity. was i suddenly handing my life over to the shackles at my feet and the men that were to reel me up? if things went wrong, was i content with the way the nineteen years of my existence had been lived? had i said everything that needed to be said? had i done all that needed to be done?

all these questions were swimming, rapidly at that, in my mind and before i could answer, i leaped off. i simply jumped..threw myself into nothingness. i leaped into the unknown. all i was sure of was the river that flowed below me. that was all i knew, that was all i saw. i remember thinking that i was a lot like the river; blue (in a melancholic sense), green (with envy..envious of a better future, a life where i knew where i was headed and what i wanted, envious of the happiness that everyone else seemed to effortlessly wear) but more than anything else, like the river, i was flowing with a scary nonchalance. easily, slowly and with little sense of direction.

before my thoughts floated any further, the ropes that bound me to life jolted me back into reality and i realized i was at at the end of the leap. i must have hung upside down for about six minutes before i got reeled back up. i promise the person that jumped off the wooden ledge six minutes prior was not the same person who came back up.

i think that was the first step to recovery.

no actually, i KNOW.